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Humans of Indu: Mental Health


Dear Depression, 

The first time you saw me in a short sleeve T-shirt was fifteen nights into June five years after our first encounter. We were sitting by your window buying ourselves time by commenting on the cars speeding by in hopes of making it home before traffic hours. You were trying to convince yourself that asking was the right thing to do and I promised myself over and over again that, that if you dared ask, I would not lie to you.  Gathering all I had I ran my fingers down my arms and asked why. For the first time in my life, my body felt uncomfortable. I realize now it wasn't my body that I didn't recognize it was the makeover you had given it. I looked in the mirror and saw someone venerable, I felt naked in front of you. I remember shivering. I had gathered the courage to throw the blades out, but the disappointment in your eyes unlocked a record I didn’t know I had tucked away. Flashbacks brought me back to the early days though I don't exactly remember when everything began.  All I knew was that one fateful morning I woke up and what used to be the empty space in my bed was occupied by you. You wrapped yourself like a question mark around my body. It made me wonder why everything felt so cold and lonely. Ever since that day, you held me with the promise of a warmer tomorrow. You waited till I cracked, then you tried to piece me together like fragile china just to let me shatter myself again. You said you understood.  You said you would be there, but with you around, I felt lonelier by the day. You convinced me to make my way across a tightrope, then took the safety net away.  You spoon-fed me until I was gasping for air. You taught

me to lie and cover up for the world. I spent countless hours putting on makeup, faking smiles, and practicing jokes in front of the mirror until they sounded semi-natural. You taught me a lot. But the biggest lesson you gave me was experiencing rock bottom because now I know what it looks like and I will never get there again.

 That June night I experienced my first break up, the following July I learned that missing something does not have to kill you, it might be exactly what you need, August was the month we had our last one night stand and this February I am writing to say I am finally, completely and unapologetically over you. 

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